Say Hello; to My Linoleum Friend!!

It was a night that will go down in infamy.

It all started at around 7:20 PM, at Matt(friend from school)’s place. We had been hanging out that day, and finally decided to follow through on our plan to practice break dancing. We informed his housemates that we would be heading out for around 45 minutes, and that we just had to go to my place, which was just up the road, get my clothes to break in, and then go to the Canadian Tire, again, in very close proximity, to buy linoleum, which would provide us with a nice slippery even surface. We get to my house, grab clothes and some chips, (we were both starving), and headed out to the subway. This is where things got weird.
As we were walking, I noticed that we were approaching a girl who I had stood with at the streetcar stop earlier, who had, I noticed, been checking me out. *shrugs* Being in a good mood, I waved, and said “hey,” (not in an attempt to pick her up, I wasn’t at all interested, just being friendly) and we observed her reaction to be one of outward enthusiasm; wide eyes, full smile… This, however, was soon allayed by her vocal response, which we assumed was due to being flustered, but could only be described as a brief grunt, sounding something like “BWEAHHH!” It was all we (Matt and I) could do to keep ourselves standing, for the amount that we were laughing. So we finally made it to the subway, still convulsing and flabbergasted, and rode it down to Bloor Street, where we got off to go to the Tire (btb, am I the only one who thinks that tire was better spelt as tyre? Man…). Upon exiting the subway, all we could smell was street meat (hot dog vendor), and I quickly came to the conclusion that food was definitely being put on the agenda. Matt had never had street meat before, and I’m not one to let someone pop a cherry alone, so I joined the de-virginization by having my first ever chicken dog, which was quite good. Matt got an Italian (spicy) sausage, and added what appeared to be (but wasn’t) ketchup (another bastardized spelling…). We ate our meat as we walked to the store, I being much amused by Matt struggling with his, considering that the red substance in the red squirt container was pepper sauce, and Matt willing himself to eat this fiery inferno. We arrived at the Tire at about 8:10, and wandered around for a good 10 minutes before finding anyone who worked there, at which point we asked for linoleum. “Uh, we don’t, like, carry flooring, man.” Great. Thanks. “Could you tell me where a home depot is, then?” “Yeah, man! You take the subway up to Eglington, and then go east to Leigth, and it’s there, man.” We thanked the kid, debated missioning up to Eglington, and came to the conclusion that we were indeed going to session that night, so linoleum was imperative. We hopped on the subway at about 8:30, heading north. We got on the eastbound bus no problem, at which point we asked a lady sitting across from us (we were on the seats towards the back that are parallel with the sides of the bus) where Leigth was. She told us that we just had to look out for a big Futureshop (we couldn’t miss it), and simply get off there. We thanked her, and lapsed into conversation. As I was talking to Matt, I noticed a rather deranged looking old man seated in the very back of the bus. He had the appearance of a homeless person, but was too clean to be one. I ignored him, but not for long. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the old man’s eyes shot open in a wide expression of what could be described as shock, and he pointed at Matt, beginning to speak loudly in gibberish with a voice that could only have been created by having inhaled a very large helium balloon. Matt looked wildly at me, questioning me with his eyes as to what he should do, but soon realized that I would be of little help when he noticed that I was giving him the same look. We did our best to continue normal conversation until, much to our relief, the man got up, pulled the cord to request his stop, and exited the bus, behaving a collected as the next man. Again, Matt and I looked at each other quizzically, and then just laughed. Before we pulled away from the stop, two women entered the bus, clearly a couple, and sat down where the helium guy had been sitting. We continued on the bus for another 20 minutes (it had been over half an hour since we initially got on it) when we really began to worry about the integrity of the directions that we had been given. There had been no Futureshop, and we seemed to be getting further and further away form densely civilized areas. Out of concern, we turned to the women who had boarded the bus, asking “Do you by chance know where Leigth, or Home Depot are?” They simply began to laugh, making us feel quite uncomfortable. “What’s so funny?” “Well… uh….. We got on at Leigth.” “Oh, crap. Well, thank you…” Matt and I got up to exit the bus and switch over to the westbound side, when we were stopped by the couple, who told us that we may as well say on the bus and just make the loop, as we would be arriving at the station shortly. Taking their advice, we sat down, resumed our conversation, and waited for the station.
We technically should have gotten off of the bus, because it was another 20 minutes before we actually pulled into the station, but once again, fate was on our side. Looking out of the window, I addressed Matt, “Dude… Toronto has a MONORAIL??????” “Whhhaaaaattttt????” I pointed out of the window, and surely enough, decked out in TTC (Toronto Transit Commission, same as subway, etc.) decals, there was a monorail, pulling into the station over our heads. Of course, the monorail song from The Simpsons made its immediate required appearance. So we sat on the bus, waiting for it to pull out of the station and head west. The only topic of conversation, however, was the monorail. I turned to Matt, asking him if he wanted to go check it out, but like myself, he was unsure. About 5 seconds later, we both looked at each other, “monorail.” We jumped off the bus and raced upstairs to the RT platform, singing the monorail song all the way. Visibly excited, I think that we frightened the other people who were there to catch the RT, seeing as how this was likely a daily occurrence for them. The train pulled into the station, and we jumped in, I almost being crushed by the extremely unforgiving and fast moving doors. Our excitement faded very quickly once inside, as we realized that it was very much like a squashed subway train, that it was dark out, so we couldn’t see ANYTHING, and that we were being taken to Scarborough. We hopped off at the first stop, and returned to the station, where we waited for our bus.
We caught the westbound bus, and made it the Leigth, where we got off. As we stood at the intersection of Eglington and Leight, we recapped what we had been told… “A big sign next to the road, that says H-O-M-E D-E-P-O-T,” “You can’t miss it,” “There are also billboards”. Looking around, all we could see was a Saab dealership, a car audio place, and some kind of grocery store. Then, suddenly, down a side road, I spotted half of an illuminated red “T”. “There it is!!!!!!!” I yelled, pointing excitedly. At this point, we were ready for any kind of direction, so we hurried off in the direction of the T. After passing many trees and a building, the rest of the sign was revealed, and it was, in fact, a Home Depot. We joyously ran to the entrance, happy that our ordeal was over. It was, after all 10:10 PM. Our jubilation was cut short, however, by the fact that the store closed at 10:00 PM.
So there we were, yelling and clawing at the door, hoping that the employees on the other side not even 10 feet away would understand our plight and allow us in to make our single purchase (we rationalized that there *were* people inside shopping, why shouldn’t we be allowed?), but to no avail. As we were doing this, a minivan pulled up, and a short man who appeared to be an Italian / Mexican mix and a lady got out, and were also disappointed by the store’s being closed, and so walked back to their van saying talking about going to the Home Depot near her house. Matt and I at this point decided to walk around the building and find another way in; we hadn’t come this far to return home empty handed. As we set off towards the service entrance, we heard “Hey! Where do you want to go?” We turned, to discover that we were being queried by the Mexitalian guy. “Home Depot!” we replied. “Well, that’s where we’re going, you wanna come?” After a brief pause, Matt and I both unanimously yelled “YES!!!!!” and ran towards the van, thanking them profusely for their kindness. “Oh, no problem,” He said, “Just watch out, there’re no seats back there, careful where you sit.” It turned out that the guy was an electrician, and had taken the seats out of the bronze Dodge Caravan in order to accommodate his equipment. There was one remaining seat, (a single) which Matt graciously offered to me, and I just as graciously accepted. Silly bastard, he ended up sitting on a drill. So, there we were, in a van owned by people we had never met, speeding along roads that we had never seen. We began to feel a bit of concern when we ended up on the DVP, (the opposite end of the city from there we had taken the RT) and then pulled to the side of the road, and stopped. Thoughts of bathtubs of ice and missing kidneys running through my head, I looked over at Matt, who looked equally freaked, but we both breathed a sigh of relief when the van pulled off, making a u-turn, clearly taking an exit that had been missed. Shortly afterwards, the Mexitalian guy (whose name I cant’ remember for the life of me) tilted his head back, asking why we wanted to go to Home Depot. “For linoleum flooring,” we replied. He then told us that we were crazy, and that that stuff was way too heavy to carry on a bus. We promptly explained that we only wanted about a 7’ x 7’ square, for the purpose of breaking. He seemed to think about this for a minute, and then said, “My daughter… she was at a party the other day, and she was approached by these guys; they’re in an acrobatic dance group that performs at Bar Mitzvahs. They gave her their number, and told her to call them when she was 18, because they liked the way that she danced, and wanted her to work with them. If you want, I can take your phone number, and get her to call you, and give you theirs…” I immediately stared at Matt, giving him the “no phone numbers” look, to which he silently agreed. Our driver then suggested e-mail as an alternative, to which we were much more receptive. “Okay, I’ll get her to e-mail you, (upon receiving Matt’s addy) I think her address is something like “gymnastics_hottie@hotmail.com” [Matt’s eyes just about pop out of his head here], so keep an eye out for her message.
At this point, we had arrived at Home Depot #2, so we exited the van, gushing with thanks, and set off to buy our linoleum. We did so, hopped a bus, and made it back to the subway line. From that point on, it was smooth sailing, except for Matt creeping out some girl who was visibly perplexed at our linoleum carrying. *hehehe* We got back to Matt’s not long after, and decided that after a mission like that, we were damn well going to break. It was 12:20 AM. I bruised my hip.